So … I have wasted A LOT of film. {translate that as I have lost some of my $!} … However, I have also tumbled upon information that I previously did not know. I have been enlightened. And it cost me some precious pennies. And this is what I have come to understand: light is fundamental for proper development. Bright light. Bright SUN light. And it's imperative to leave the exposure compensation alone, dead-center. At least for my particular beloved Polaroid. Dead.Center.
During this process of enlightenment I became frustrated. I made several under-developed or blurry (or both) photographs. It was a pain. And I was seemingly-wasting precious film (and $!). But one day the lightbulb came on and … A HA! Bright Sunlight is the key! I was so excited to discover this. Here are my latest Polaroids:
The fence around my garden ♥
Grace with her Bitty Baby stroller ♥
And Grace being silly ♥
To many of you these pictures may not be pleasing. Some may wonder why in the world take the time and money to make these photos with an old-school Polaroid when I have a perfectly wonderful new digital camera with which to make fabulously flawless photos. And I do ♥ my digital camera. But there's just something about the Polaroid that thrills me.
God has been revealing Himself to me over the past couple of months and peeling back the onion layers. And I am becoming wild about imperfection. I find myself growing WILDly in love with things that are flawed.
And me? I am flawed. I am most certainly not perfect {surprise!} … I am broken. And it has taken me YEARS to realize that it is okay. In fact … God is WILD about my non-perfection! He is WILDLY in love with people who are flawed! Me being one of those precious, imperfect souls.
That's hard for me to write actually. That I am precious. That I am imperfect. And that God loves me wildly anyway. Maybe even BECAUSE of it.
In order to discover this truth, however, it was crucial that I be in the Light. Bright LIGHT. Oh sure, I go to church and cherish good God-honoring music and I talked with the Lord from time to time. But that wasn't bright Light and most of the time my life was blurry and under-developed. As I have begun to spend more and more time in the BRIGHT Light of the Father's presence and in the precious Light of His Word, I am starting to see just how fundamental it is for proper development.
Now, "proper development" is in the eye of the beholder. Some may behold my Polaroids and think that I am crazy for thinking they are lovely. And some may think I am wasting my time, my talents, my money. I have even thought those thoughts from time to time. But when I sit down and look at my properly developed Polaroids I simply adore them. And I don't really care what anyone else thinks.
I am aware that I am guilty of concern over who is beholding me in my life. What will ______ think? Does ______ like me? If only I were perfect at ______! Such concerns make for an exhausting and sell out life. But I have learned that it's only important that God is beholding me. And to Him I am perfectly imperfect. And I like it that way. I don't really need to care what anyone else thinks.
That's the newest word I have found to describe myself …becoming. The dictionary defines it as to come, change, or grow to be; to come into being. Such a lovely word, too, and heavy with meaning. Becoming ...
I sit here at my computer wanting … needing … to describe to you, to tell you what is churning in my soul. But I don't know what it is. I cannot seem to put my finger on it exactly.
Emotional. That word would describe my heart these days. So would the words searching, disturbed, questioning … those describe me these days as well. And I read those words I just wrote and it sounds so … dark. But I'm not in a dark place at all. If anything I'm running into marvelous Light! And as that wonderful song says, I feel as though I am being awakened from a long, deep sleep.
Awakened. Yes … that is the word that I am searching for. But to what? I'm not quite sure. And I know I'm not fully awake yet. No, no … It seems that I'm still very much asleep. I'm only just on the edge of waking from my sleep. There is a stirring deep in my soul. And wakefulness is coming. I can sense it. I know it's on its way.
Yesterday evening I made Chicken Succotash for my family. It's an easy, yummy summer meal - the recipe is here. It's a nice little intermingling of goodness and flavors from corn and lima beans and tomatoes and chicken and cream. And I found myself, as I was preparing to bring the meal to the table, so thankful for God's goodness that He created these flavors for us to enjoy.
And then when we sat down to dinner I saw this:
And immediately I was enraptured with God's incredible wonderfullness. Yes. When I saw the blue napkins and the salt & pepper and the pink tiger lily on my table I found myself delighted in the Lord! I just sat there for a moment thinking about how cool God is. The tiger lily is so beautiful … look at this:
Wow!! Why did He make something so beautiful? Why did He create beauty? He didn't have to do that! Truly! And why colors and sunsets and oceans? He didn't have to make all those wonderful things! Think about dog food for a minute. It contains everything that a dog needs for nourishment. God could have just provided something like that for us to eat. But no! He made pink tiger lillies and the color blue and the yumminess of tomatoes. Why? Because He is God. And because He is good. Romans 1:20 says that by taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse (The Message).
And last night, for the first time I think, I saw with my physical eyes God's goodness, God's mercy, and God's incredible grace. In the beauty of the wonderful world that He created for us I saw Him.
And that is where I want to dwell every moment of every day …
This song is on my mind today. I think I'll be singing it all day.
I've just begun a new Bible study called Seeking Him. Oh, how I have been in a dry and barren place for such a long time now! It is refreshing to wake up in the morning and head straight to my comfy chair to spend time with the Lord in His precious Word and in prayer. A long while ago I did that. But lately, for far too long, I have headed to the computer first thing in the morning. There are several reasons for that, but I won't go into them now.
The Bible study I'm doing currently is about personal revival. Oh how I need it. Hosea 10:12 says: "Break up your fallow ground and seek the Lord 'til He comes and rains righteousness on you." Do you know what fallow ground is? It is land that has been plowed and left unseeded for a season or more, it's uncultivated, not in use, inactive. Yep … that would be me, my heart. Fallow ground. I have been thirsty and dry, inactive, unseeded and I need the Lord to rain righteousness on me.
This morning's time was spent on pride and humility. Ouch! C.S. Lewis said:
The essential vice, the utmost evil, is pride. Unchastity, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea-bites in comparison: it was through pride that the devil became the devil. Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.
It is the complete anti-God state of mind. That statement resonates with me. You see, Psalm 10:4 says that because of pride the wicked do not seek God and they have no room in their thoughts for God. And that would be me … no room in my thoughts for God. Yes, I must admit it - God, my Creator and Sustainer, in none of my thoughts. Well, from time to time, and, of course, on Sundays. But because of several things (that I won't go into right now) essentially I have been living my life, for some time now, apart from Him.
So why have I been, as the song says, painting pictures of Egypt? And what does that mean anyway? In the song Sara writes:
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know
God forgive me. I am not humble. I am so very full of me, of my thoughts and desires and needs. I am so incredibly self-absorbed. And I must confess that part of me (that divided heart of mine) wants to remain in this state. In many ways I want to just REMAIN IN THIS STATE! I cannot believe it, but it's true! I'm caught between the promise and the things I know. I only realized this JUST this morning, about 1 ½ hours ago. Wowzers! That was really news to me. I didn't know that my heart was so divided.
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
And I think that's it. I really think that divided heart is what is holding me back. Part of me wants to go forward, to be selfless. And part of my heart thinks that selfless future looks way too hard and I just want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
I cannot go back.
Please listen to the song if you have the time … it's an awesome description of what I realized this morning!
