I've been thinking a lot about how the changes I am making in my home and yard and garden parallel the changes that are taking places inside my heart. SO many things are going on inside of me right now it's almost overwhelming. Who am I kidding?! It's VERY overwhelming! Sometimes I feel like it's just too much and I want to retreat back into the old me. Truly, I really don't. The freedom and the peace and the joy and the growth are so worth the effort. But sometimes, for a bit I do want to give up.
It is hard work. You just don't know (or maybe you do) how incredibly difficult it is to get me out of me! And sometimes I think that it won't happen. Sometimes I think that my pride and self-centeredness have such deep roots that we (the Lord and I) will never get rid of them. I know as I sit here typing those thoughts that it IS, however, entirely possible. I guess it just seems like such a huge mountain that needs to move! And I guess that I feel like I don't have faith even as big as a tiny mustard seed! But I don't want to be defeated by this, I don't want to be beat. I want the victory that is mine through Christ over this!
I think that part of the reason I am feeling overwhelmed is that I don't know what it looks like. It's unknown. I don't know how to be selfless. I don't know how to be NOT completely consumed with myself. As long as I can remember I have always been. So I don't know what true selflessness looks like for me. It's a bit scary, I must admit … the unknown. It's unknown for how it looks as I am walking it out and it's unknown for where I am going … where is this path leading me? The unknown. Ah, but I am reminded that it's not unknown to the Father. He knows the future, He holds me in the palm of His hand and I have full confidence that He will show me exactly what it looks like for me.
So what does this have to do with my home? Well, I feel the same way about my home as I do about my heart. There are so many things swirling and whirling around inside my home and yard and garden! No … no tornadoes here (unless you count 2 very busy girls!) … just a lot going on! I am cleaning out and purging and decluttering like a mad woman. My local thrift store loves (or maybe hates) to see my hubby pull up to the door! I'm preparing my dwelling to be made over into a more inviting, comfortable, peaceful, happy, cheerful, welcoming place, both inside and out. But there is a lot to do! And it also seems so overwhelming! And I don't know what the final result will look like. It's also unknown. Sure, I have ideas and thoughts, but the final state is unknown.
And just as I sometimes want to retreat back into the old me, I sometimes want to just forget about making this dwelling of mine what I want it to be. I mean, sometimes I think "It's just a house, just a yard, just a garden… what's the big deal? You have nice shelter in a nice neighborhood … what more do you want?" But you know, it has nothing to do with discontentment or being unsatisfied. I believe that it is something that the Father has stirred up in my heart as a picture of what is going on inside of me. No more neglect and just surviving, both physically and spiritually … it's time to grow and thrive and shine and radiate God's love and grace and peace!
This will be a long journey, to be sure … thanks for walking it with me :)