Aiming High

{warning ~ ♥ ~ long & very transparent post ahead}

My oldest started swimming this year. Long story short, we had her take some lessons along with her little sister, just so she could learn the basics of treading water, etc. To our surprise she LOVED it and now she swims year 'round on a swim team with Swim Atlanta. And our littlest isn't far behind … she's loving her swim lessons and hopes to be on a swim team soon too.

Then there's my wonderful husband. He grew up swimming for Swim Atlanta and decided to began swimming with the Master's team a couple of months ago. He loves it. He's shed some weight and feels great.

And then there's me. Fat. Almost 40. Out of shape. Never have really been in shape. And feeling every bit of it. I went shopping the other day to find something to wear for a wedding. Nothing fit me. I'm tired of that. I hate not being able to wear what I want to wear. I hate feeling so incredibly self-conscious EVERY place I go because I feel so fat and blah. I hate that I love winter just because I can wear clothes that cover me up. And that I don't like summer just because I can't cover myself up with clothes. I hate never being in pictures with my children because I hate the way that I look. We recently went to a party for hubby's swim team and I was embarrassed to be fat and out of shape amongst so many in-shape adults. I hate feeling like I am not projecting who I really am on the inside because I am fat and out of shape.

Or who knows. Maybe I am projecting who I really am on the inside … fat and out of shape and just plain lazy. Undisciplined. Self-centered (ooo there's that again!). All about satisfying my own pleasures in the moment. I feel like I've not been living. I've been sitting. And letting life pass me by. Hmmm. Yeah … perhaps this is who I have become on the inside. At least part of me anyway. I don't like it. I don't like this part of me.

I used to have a recurring dream (more like a nightmare) … I would go to school and then realize I was completely naked, but I had to stay and finish out the day - I couldn't leave. I was incredibly embarrassed. But get this … it wasn't because I was naked, but because I was fat (and naked).

I really want to begin running again … and keep it up. I enjoy running. But it seems there's always some reason not to do it. I have even finished Couch to 5K once, but didn't keep it up. I must confess it is hard (or is it easy to find a reason not to?) when I still have a little one at home. I always have that excuse. There isn't time … when will I go? Dear hubby just {right before I wrote this} worked out a schedule for me to be able to go because he knows that I want to. Ha! No excuses now!

And then there's swimming. I REALLY want to start swimming, but I've never swam a day in my life. OK, I know how to swim and tread water and not drown. I'm talking about the strokes and turns and all that. I would really love to be able to work out with hubby's swim team. HOWEVER … there's the swimsuit thing. Yes. In public. In a Speedo. {gasp}

So here's the thing ... I want to get into shape. Really. In shape. And lose weight. And change the shape of me (both outside and inside). I really don't want to be casual about it. I don't want to just have a "nice run" in the morning. No, I want to lose weight and get into shape and push myself. Really push myself. I want to run a 5K (totally doable) ... no, maybe a 10K should be my goal. Yes. That would be pushing myself (at least right now). You know what I would love? I'd love to do a sprint triathlon. I think that's doable. 750m swim, 20km bike, 5km run. But then there's biking. Maybe I shouldn't add that in the mix quite yet. :)

So I'm aiming high. I'm going to start running. I'll do the couch to 5K plan (it really is good and I have a great app for it on my phone). But then I WON'T STOP! I will continue training my body. Pushing myself physically. I just have to. I'm still young enough that I can do it. And despite my physical laziness the Lord has allowed my body to remain healthy, even though I don't take care of it as I should. I'm really convicted and inspired. Now if I can just keep that inspiration up. The other day my littlest one was trying to remember the phrase "Where there's a will, there's a way" and immediately I realized it's about my will. Conviction. Decision. Discipline. Intention. Will I or won't I? As my hubby said just last night to me, "Right now I still have control over my body … in a few years I may not, but for now, while I still can, I will."