I've just begun a new Bible study called Seeking Him. Oh, how I have been in a dry and barren place for such a long time now! It is refreshing to wake up in the morning and head straight to my comfy chair to spend time with the Lord in His precious Word and in prayer. A long while ago I did that. But lately, for far too long, I have headed to the computer first thing in the morning. There are several reasons for that, but I won't go into them now.
The Bible study I'm doing currently is about personal revival. Oh how I need it. Hosea 10:12 says: "Break up your fallow ground and seek the Lord 'til He comes and rains righteousness on you." Do you know what fallow ground is? It is land that has been plowed and left unseeded for a season or more, it's uncultivated, not in use, inactive. Yep … that would be me, my heart. Fallow ground. I have been thirsty and dry, inactive, unseeded and I need the Lord to rain righteousness on me.
This morning's time was spent on pride and humility. Ouch! C.S. Lewis said:
The essential vice, the utmost evil, is pride. Unchastity, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea-bites in comparison: it was through pride that the devil became the devil. Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.It is the complete anti-God state of mind. That statement resonates with me. You see, Psalm 10:4 says that because of pride the wicked do not seek God and they have no room in their thoughts for God. And that would be me … no room in my thoughts for God. Yes, I must admit it - God, my Creator and Sustainer, in none of my thoughts. Well, from time to time, and, of course, on Sundays. But because of several things (that I won't go into right now) essentially I have been living my life, for some time now, apart from Him.
So why have I been, as the song says, painting pictures of Egypt? And what does that mean anyway? In the song Sara writes:
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know
I’ve been painting pictures of EgyptAnd I think that's it. I really think that divided heart is what is holding me back. Part of me wants to go forward, to be selfless. And part of my heart thinks that selfless future looks way too hard and I just want to go back.
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit meI cannot go back.
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
Please listen to the song if you have the time … it's an awesome description of what I realized this morning!